We haven’t spoken in awhile, and I’m okay with that. There was a point in my life once where that would have killed me; the thought of being away from you or with anyone else but you was physically painful. We used to talk every day, all day long. About the past, about the future, about everything and nothing. You were my best friend, and my biggest fan. You loved me and god knows I loved you.
But maybe you didn’t love me the right way? You would love me in a way that would seem sweet at first glance, but under the layers it was actually possessive. You would protect me like I was the most important thing in your life, or maybe like I was your property. You would get upset when we fought, and when I had other friends, especially guys, but you said it was just because you know how they are. You said it was because you didn’t want me to get hurt.
By my graduation night, I found myself alone. Afraid to post the pictures I had taken with my friends, afraid to ask someone to hang out, afraid to tweet or post or talk about where I was going to school because I knew it would send you off. I knew that any little thing that wasn’t in your plan would upset you, so I stayed quiet and alone.
And it was always my fault. My fault that you couldn’t trust me. My fault that we weren’t happy. My fault that neither of us had friends.
Sometimes I thought my friends were right. I thought maybe they were on to something when they told me I shouldn’t be crying every night, or I shouldn’t be upset every day. But then you would convince me that they were wrong and that you loved me. And if I didn’t believe it, you would leave me and I would beg for you back.
I’m here to tell you that I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the nights I cried because I was alone. For all the break ups and the nasty texts and the name calling. I forgive you for everything.
I realized I can’t truly continue on with my life until I do. So I did, about 8 months ago, and I will never look back.
We shared some of the best memories of my high school career together. But that’s over now, and my real biggest fan and best friend is here.
Now that I love myself like I should have, and like you should have, I know what I should be treated like. And I have that now, in Tanner.
Thanks for the memories,